Behind Closed Doors

Behind Closed Doors…

Welcome once again to my website, The Therapy Temple! I hope you are all remaining well in both body and mind! This month I am looking at what may be hidden from view when we present ourselves to the outside world…believe me, there are few who are transparent. My inspiration for this post has been presented to me by Simon Anley, who is exhibiting his work in Selby Abbey throughout the week commencing 14th June 2021. I totally recommend that, given the time, you pop in to the Abbey and take a look at Simon’s fabulous, and thought-provoking work. The exhibition is titled ‘Behind Closed Doors’, and definitely worth checking out! Included in my post is a brilliant and insightful poem by ‘M’… she shares the path of destruction that is created by domestic violence, and ultimately the joy and relief of allowing the barriers to fall and sharing her horrific personal experience.

Without giving too much away, Simon’s exhibition gives us his interpretation of the human eye and what lies beyond. I am pretty sure that we are all familiar with the idea that the eyes are the windows to our soul, they have the ability to give away our ‘lie’, to betray us, and hint to our audience that we are simply playing a role…we don’t always have the courage to give our colleagues, friends, or even our families our true authentic self, but a version of ‘self’ that we instinctively feel will be more appealing to others. Ultimately, we fear rejection, we fear judgement, we fear that if we share our true way of being we may be perceived as inadequate in some way…plagued by the thoughts of what others may think of us. The only answer it seems is to put on a front, paint a smile on our faces, show the whole world that everything is good with us…why share our vulnerabilities when we can mask them??? I have lost count of the number of times I have heard clients tell me that they are ‘keeping a lid on it’, primarily because that is their learnt way of being. Always the mantra of ‘not washing our dirty linen in public!’. The irony is that not doing so has culminated in untold numbers of people reaching for antidepressants, sleeping tablets, psychological therapy, and in extreme cases, resorting to suicide. If only we could all be more open to the idea of becoming a little more authentic in how we present ourselves to the outside world.

‘M’s poem is about her own experience with domestic violence, and yes, this is one of the many things that we have a habit of internalising, and hiding from the world. I know only too well of the sense of shame and guilt that comes from being physically, emotionally, or sexually abused…the sense that if we were to share what has happened to us we would be cast out, disbelieved, judged, or worse still, if our abusers were to discover that we had ‘outed’ them there would be further, more damaging consequences lying in wait for us. So often an abuser is one step ahead of us, and will prepare friends and family in advance, just in case we might spill, telling them that we are mentally unwell, we are nasty and venomous, we are psychotic. After all, they have their own ‘façade’ to protect, and protect it they will by any means!

There are indeed MANY other situations in our lives that we may endeavour to hold firmly behind closed doors for fear of retribution. These may include any of the following more common examples:

Mental wellbeing issues

Sexuality

Marital/Relationship problems

Financial problems

Addictions (For example drugs, alcohol, gambling, even shopping)

Grief

Eating Disorders.

There are so many issues that we attempt to keep from others that it would be impossible for me to list them all here, but rest assured whatever you may be keeping within, there will always be someone, somewhere, who is living with the very same difficulties. One thing I can say for certain, both from personal experience, and from my work with clients, is that finding the courage to share, and fling open those tightly closed psychological doors, is much more likely to help us discover a way forward. It is only when we release to someone that we can fully trust that we can liberate ourselves to focus on a solution rather than the problem.

One of our greatest barriers to being authentic with others is that we have unwittingly built a ‘virtual’ world, the foundations of which are built on false

image and carefully selected words. Any one of us can log in to our chosen form of social media at any time of day, or night, and take a look at how our friends and family are spending their time and money…their lives wide open to be viewed by all who care to delve! That’s a good thing isn’t it? We need NEVER be alone, even at 3am!!!! The whole world is our oyster…we may be crippled by our own problems, (which is quite possibly why we are still awake at 3am), but hey, all is not lost, we can soon login and connect with someone! Not wishing to be cynical, but often what we are logging into is joyous statements of how incredible the lives of others are, we can gaze longingly at edited photograph after edited photograph! It’s all there, the proof in high resolution, that we are the only person in the world that hasn’t got it all, the only person who hasn’t got their life sussed! The messages are loud and clear, and a voice somewhere deep inside screams at us that we just aren’t good enough! … Eventually we log off, and proceed to feel even more low and dissatisfied than when we logged on!!! How do you begin to share your true ‘self’ when you are surrounded by success, innate beauty, abject happiness? Surely, we can’t, so we hide, we push our reality into the shadows, carefully fix our mask, don our ‘social cloak’, and continue to battle for our place in the vicious cycle of pretence. We become anxious, depressed, and physically unwell …all from bearing the weight of that ‘social cloak’ that seems to become more burdensome by the day!

So what does go on behind closed doors? What lurks beneath that cloak? What lies behind those eyes? Rest assured it is NEVER perfection, for that can only ever be a perception. How I hope that as a society we can begin to embrace reality, to accept that the images we see are not always authentic, to recognise that perfection is often found in imperfection, that the mask and cloak are no longer ‘must have’ fashion, and those psychological closed doors CAN be gradually inched open!

I used to tell myself

Bad attention is better than no attention

If you’re doing it to me it means you love me, I’m special

That at least you were touching me

That it was my fault. 

I used to say it was fine when I drew thick eyeliner to cover the bruises

I used to say I was in the wrong when clumps of hair fell out from where you’d pulled it

I used to say it was ok when you mocked my figure or where I lived

I used to say I loved you while wiping the tears from my eyes. 

You left physical marks, but mental scars

Five years later I still flinch at the sight of a clenched fist

I still over react at shouting

I still blame myself. 

But I’m learning. 

I’m starting to say I deserved better

I’m starting to realise its not my fault

Coming to the conclusion, I deserve to be loved.

Its not my fault.  

You were like a drug, addictive, destructive

You ruined relationships

Ruined my self worth

But you don’t have that power anymore. 

I’m clean. I said enough is enough, 

I spoke out, I told someone. 

It was hard but I’m better,

I no longer look in the mirror and see a shadow,

I see a garden beginning to flower,

I see hope, I see love, I see happiness. 

Thank you ‘M’ for sharing your work with me, so that I may in turn share it with others!

Thank you Simon for giving me the inspiration for my post, and I truly wish you every success with your exhibition!

Thank you for taking your time to read this, I know it’s a long one…I wish you all the freedom of simply ‘being’!

Warmest of wishes to you all x x